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  1. #1
    Community Member flameninja's Avatar
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    Default Please judge my first journal entry for this new character.

    Day 1:
    Now that I have time for resting, I defiantly need to figure out what happened to me. Since I'm going to be using this book as a record of my studies and thoughts, I think It would be best if I tried to figure out exactly what I am. Let's start with the body I reside in. It seems to be made of mostly wood, but my joints feel as if they are oiled with the sap from a tree, so they must be metal. I also notice stone attached to my mid-section that undoubtedly is meant to be used as some form of armor. I can feel the gem stones in my arm glow, even now. They seem to protrude from me so my arcane abilities are slightly heightened. I can see bolts and other connections along my legs and arms. My face consists of metal plates that react to my will. They move when I want to talk, even though I can feel my voice coming from inside me. I don't need to move my mouth to be heard, so why does my mouth have to move? I can only guess that this was an addition put onto me as a way for me to feel more person-like.

    I am a living construct. I was built in the factory that I was later awakened in, and I do not know what purpose I was built for. I have feelings, and can hear, see, smell, and touch, but I do not have any sense of taste because I do not eat. Sleeping is something I do to pass the time, rather then something I need to do for my abilities.

    The factory I was built in was an underground and abandoned facility. When the group of adventurers found me, I was covered in plants and stone that had taken my capsule as their housing. They explained to me that I must have been one of the Warforged made in that factory, but I, like many others, had never woken up when I was needed. Due to this, my creators put me in a capsule to store my body if they ever needed extra parts.

    The adventurers consisted of three people: A sinister looking Drow named Sten, who most likely stayed with them simply for the fun of adventure and gain in wealth, a strong looking Human soldier named Willtom, and a small Halfling caster named Sally who seemed mostly scared of me, but I could sense that she was simply hiding her desire to tear my limbs apart to see what my insides looked like.

    They explained to me that they were given the job of investigating the recent rumors about the factory being a new home to ghosts and the undead. Being fully aware of my surroundings, I could smell a foul stench that I could only think was rotting flesh, so I instantly expected the undead to present themselves. The adventurers, however, thought that the stories were simply a myth that someone cooked up to keep people away from a treasure hidden there.

    Knowing they would not know what to do against their soon-to-be enemies, I offered to follow and assist them. Upon accepting my assistance, I was given clothing and a staff to use for my weapon. Apparently the Drow stole the staff from a child, and he wanted it back as soon as I was finished. He spent a while bragging about the theft.

    We ventured farther into the dark factory, and soon found ourselves in an area covered in failed Warforged. The Warforged soon awoke, and to my astonishment, instantly attacked us. With eyes as bright as the sun, and the color of blood, they looked at us as if we were intruders to their home. It took some endurance, and almost all of my energy, but we dispatched the heavily armored humanoids with haste.

    Beyond that, we soon found ourselves face-to-face with the fabled undead calling this place their home. The zombies were easy to dismember due to their soft, torn flesh, but the skeletons would have given us an issue if it wasn't for the Drow's hammer.

    It was just a series of corridors from there. Most of the undead were weak and easy to dispose of, but we soon found ourselves confronting the reason these foul-smelling creatures called my factory home. What stood, or rather floated, in front of our eyes, will forever be burned into my memory as if it chose my mind as a place of shelter. A lich, in full presence, was summoning it's minions and tossing them all at us.

    With great fear, I stood behind the adventurers and cast as many spells I could in the hope of helping them stay alive. I would not have the first people I meet die due to my ineffectiveness. My magic stood strong, and quickly killed off the weaker minions the lich called upon us. Willtom seemed to be uncontrollable when his hatred of undead took hold of him. His eyes became bloodshot, and his fear seemed to no longer bind him. His strength seemed unending as he slayed any that stood between him and the lich.

    With no surprise, he soon reached the master of necromancy, and without any resolve, he pounced on it. The lich, due to his casting requiring him to remain stationary, did not expect to be knocked off of his platform, and he soon fell to Willtom's blade.

    We all watched as the Lich's ashes moved to the ring that used to be on his right hand. I realized that the lich was not dead, and would never be anything close to finished if that ring was not disposed of. Therefore, without hesitation, I shattered the gem within the ring's socket. Hearing a loud, agonizing scream of pain, I knew the lich was gone for good.

    The Drow, not familiar with how lich are immortal as long as their item is still intact, soon became enraged that I would destroy an item of such worth. As I tried to explain to him, he attempted to search for some other items of value, and soon found a large chest that the lich used to store his items in.

    As a token of kindness, Willtom allowed me to keep the staff that was found in the chest, along with the robes. I also claimed a few coins so I could find an inn to accept me when I parted ways with the adventurers.

    Before I left, a did allow sally to look at my arm, which had been cut slightly. I thought it would ease her curiosity so she wouldn't harm another Warforged to find out our body's inner workings.

    After leaving them at the entrance of the factory, I headed to the town that they informed me was near by. Soon finding an inn, I payed for a weeks stay. I needed a while to rest my joints after that much of a fight. The inn keeper seemed to enjoy the sense of security I brought, so I offered to work as a helper as long as she let me stay. She quickly agreed, since I wouldn't take up much space and didn't require drink or food.

    I bought this blank book with the money I had left over from the factory escapade, and I hope it will allow me to vent my thoughts and aid in my research of the arcane.

    Day 2:

    Having a night to heal the cut on my arm has given my body time to adjust to movement. I still wobble a bit as I walk since I haven't been doing much of anything until I awoke from my capsule. It brings me joy to know that I have a home here in the inn, away from the danger of the factory.

    Sarlina, the owner of the inn, was quick to make use of my assistance. When I wasn't assisting her with cooking, I was killing rats that took shelter in the walls. (I didn't really kill them, but I was sure not to let her see me petting them and setting the cute little furry things free outside.)

    I took a small amount of pride in keeping the place clean for her. She seemed overjoyed when I cleaned the dust from the floors and shelves. It wasn't hard, I just had to sweep as fast as my arms would allow and the dust went into the air. I simply had to form a magical bubble using Prestidigitation to contain the partials.

    I soon learned that Sarlina was fairly young for a human. She inherited the inn from her deceased mother, and had kept it running ever since. Feeling petty for the girl, I fixed her the best meat I could from a freshly caught stag one of the hunters gave me in exchange for my assistance in the wood mill.

    She thanked me for the service in a rather strange way. She took me by the hand and embraced me with her arms. She was in tears while she did this, so I can only think that she didn't enjoy my cooking. However, the embrace lasted a while, so I believe my understanding of human behavior requires further study.

    I quickly found an issue with my room. It has a window that faces directly into a home to the east of the street. In that house lives a couple that enjoy themselves a bit to much at night. I understand humans enjoy the act of voyeurism, but it seems to distract me from my work. Even while writing this, I can't turn my head without seeing the woman's head bob up and down.

    I'll explain my problem with the window to Sarlina. Maybe she has a cloth I can use to block the window at night. Hopefully she won't view my study of the human reproductive system as strange.

    Day 3:

    My time in the inn has been enjoyable, but I can only guess that I am unwelcome in the rest of the town. People stare at me to much. I understand that I am different from them, but their eyes seem to burn into me if I don't step out of their field of vision. Maybe I should go around and help out with the jobs of the townspeople. Maybe that will allow them to welcome me more.

    Sarlina is the only one that has shown any real interest in me. While I understand I am more intelligent than most people here, I sometimes find her interested in even my most complicated studies. I find a lot of enjoyment in teaching her. I suppose, if I was to take on a student of some sort, Sarlina would appreciate my teachings the most. Her mind is still young enough to grasp at unfamiliar ideas, so she would be least likely to become afraid of magic as some of the town has.

    I found Sarlina staring at me today, and when I asked why, she didn't go silent like I expected. She instead asked exactly what was on her mind. She, much like Sally, didn't understand how I worked. Trusting her more then I did Sally, I disconnected my foot from my leg and showed her exactly how it worked. The studies of my body that I had done the night before seemed more fruitful then I had previously expected. She quickly found something I was unaware of. As a testament to her astounding perception, she saw that there was a slot in my foot with something missing. This can only mean that the factory intended to create attachments for my body. I may venture into the dark maze again to find parts that match me. I could use a way to silence my stomping at night.

    I found a new form of entertainment. I recently gained the ability to conjure a hand using a spell that I have naturally named "Mage Hand." Using this, I get a helping hand with the cleaning, and I can create a partner for simple games. I recently created a game involving simple shapes within a grid of nine squares. You pick a shape at the beginning of the game, and the other person (Or hand) picks their shape. Then you fill in the grid with your shape, while your opponent does the same. The first player to get three consecutive shapes in a row is the victor. This proved entertaining until Sarlina got onto me for scaring the patrons with the floating hand.

    Before I left this day's section to end, I must put something here to remind myself of a thought I recently had. How did I know so much about the lich? How did I recognize the smell of the undead as soon as I was woken up? If I had not previously been given the knowledge of those things, then I shouldn't have even recognised the language that I speak. Yet, I am able to name objects, cast spells, and I have a very extensive vocabulary that I wouldn't even understand if I was just randomly awoken within that capsule. I must look into my own mind for the answer to this. I have to know what happened to my body before it was put into what was thought to be my final resting place.

    However, for now, I have a greater problem that requires my attention. I have to figure out how to reconnect my foot.

    Edit: added day 2
    Edit 2: Fixed the question of why he explained what he was in day one, fixed a plot hole from day one, and added day three. (Honestly guys, I'm even giving you patch notes. No replies?)
    Last edited by flameninja; 10-29-2012 at 02:43 AM.

  2. #2
    Community Member Elxir's Avatar
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    Talking

    Pretty good read so far, I'm enjoying it even a few months along. Please keep it up! There are a few typos, but otherwise not a bad story so far about the thoughts of a newly awakened Warforged Wizard.

  3. #3
    Community Member Inferno346's Avatar
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    Default

    Suggestions are in bold; comments are in italics.

    Day 1:
    Now that I have time for resting, I definitely need to figure out what happened to me. Since I'm going to be using this book as a record of my studies and thoughts, I think it would be best if I tried to figure out exactly what I am. Let's start with the body I reside in. It seems to be made of mostly wood, but my joints feel as if they are oiled with the sap from a tree, so they must be metal. I also notice stone attached to my mid-section that undoubtedly is meant to be used as some form of armor. I can feel the gem stones in my arm glow, even now. They seem to protrude from me so my arcane abilities are slightly heightened. What? Why do they "seem" to protrude? Can't he/she simply see that they protrude? Why does a protrusion lead him to the thesis that they heighten his abilities? [delete] My face consists of metal plates that react to my will. They move when I want to talk, even though I can feel my voice coming from inside me. I don't need to move my mouth to be heard, so why does my mouth have to move? I can only guess that this addition was intended to make me feel more person-like. Are you trying to say it's meant to make him feel that way or to make other people feel less disturbed by him? Clarify.

    I am a living construct. I was built in the factory that I was later awakened in, <--awkward and I do not know what purpose I was built for. I have feelings, and can hear, see, smell, and touch, but I do not have any sense of taste because I do not eat. Sleeping is something I do to pass the time, rather than something I need to do for my abilities.

    The factory I was built in was an underground and abandoned facility. This is unnecessarily repetitive and makes it seem like it was already abandoned while he was being built. When the group of adventurers found me, I was covered in plants and stone that had taken my capsule as their housing. They explained to me that I must have been one of the Warforged made in that factory, but I, like many others, had never woken up when I was needed. Due to this, my creators put me in a capsule to store my body if they ever needed extra parts.

    The adventurers consisted of three people: a sinister-looking Drow named Sten, This is an amusingly non-threatening name... if that was intended that's great. who most likely stayed with them simply for the fun of adventure and gain in wealth, a strong-looking Human soldier named Willtom, and a small Halfling caster named Sally who seemed mostly scared of me, but I could sense that she was simply hiding her desire to tear my limbs apart to see what my insides looked like. Compound adjectives should usually be hyphenated. I understand you want to imply that their looks might not be accurate descriptions of their actual demeanor, but I would probably remove the "-looking"s. The attribution of exactly one adjective to each character gets rather homogenous and monotonous. I would remove those that are implied: readers already versed in fantasy will know that halflings tend to be small and soldiers tend to be strong. Great job with the names: they are short and pronounceable, always a plus!

    They explained to me that they were given the job of investigating the recent rumors about the factory being a new home to ghosts and the undead. Being fully aware of my surroundings, I could smell a foul stench that I could only think was rotting flesh, so I instantly expected the undead to present themselves. The adventurers, however, thought that the stories were simply a myth that someone cooked up to keep people away from a treasure hidden there.

    Knowing they would not know what to do against their soon-to-be enemies, I offered to follow and assist them. Upon accepting my assistance, I was given clothing and a staff to use for my weapon. Apparently the Drow stole the staff from a child, and he wanted it back as soon as I was finished. He spent a while bragging about the theft.

    We ventured farther into the dark factory, and soon found ourselves in an area covered in failed Warforged. The Warforged soon awoke, and to my astonishment, instantly attacked us. With eyes as bright as the sun and the color of blood, they looked at us as if we were intruders to their home. It took some endurance, and almost all of my energy, but we dispatched the heavily armored humanoids with haste.
    The protagonist mentions that he has feelings. This is a scene where his "relatives" (sort of) are revealed to have lost their minds. Here we should either see a bit of emotion (but don't go overboard), or the readers should be able to tell that he has schizoid/detached tendencies in his objective perception of the situation. I think this is an interesting situation as well as the first fight we see. I think you should expand this section, describing the room, the fighting styles, etc.

    Beyond that, we soon found ourselves face-to-face with the fabled undead calling this place their home. The zombies were easy to dismember due to their soft, torn flesh, but the skeletons would have given us an issue if it wasn't for the Drow's hammer.
    Just a few moments ago, the adventurers hardly believed the rumors. Now they are casually dismembering things. We need more fear/excitement/disbelief. I'm liking the protagonist's emotional detachment as he coldly destroys things but there should be at least a little bit of emotion in the party.

    It was just a series of corridors from there. Most of the undead were weak and easy to dispose of, but we soon found ourselves confronting the reason these foul-smelling creatures called my factory home. What stood, or rather floated, in front of our eyes, will forever be burned into my memory as if it chose my mind as a place of shelter. This is all cliche and/or awkward. Revise. A lich, in full presence, was summoning its minions and tossing them at us.
    When using "its" as a possessive you don't use an apostrophe.
    With great fear, I stood behind the adventurers and cast as many spells I could in the hope of helping them stay alive. I would not have the first people I met die due to my ineffectiveness. My magic stood strong, and quickly killed off the weaker minions the lich called upon us. Willtom seemed to be uncontrollable when his hatred of undead took hold of him. His eyes became bloodshot, and his fear seemed to no longer bind him. His strength seemed unending as he slayed any that stood between him and the lich.
    Whoa, now he's feeling "great fear"? Inconsistent, even if the lich is powerful.
    With no surprise, he soon reached the master of necromancy, and without any resolve, he pounced on it. Without any resolve? Pounced? Not sure if you know what resolve means. The lich, due to his casting requiring him to remain stationary, did not expect to be knocked off of his platform, and he soon fell to Willtom's blade.
    Erm... that was anticlimactic.
    We all watched as the lich's ashes moved to the ring that used to be on his right hand. I realized that the lich was not dead, and would never be anything close to finished if that ring was not disposed of. Therefore, without hesitation, I shattered the gem within the ring's socket. Hearing a loud, agonizing scream of pain, I knew the lich was gone for good.
    Watch redundancies. We know screams are loud; we know they indicate pain.
    The Drow, not familiar with how liches are immortal as long as their item is still intact, soon became enraged that I would destroy an item of such worth. As I tried to explain to him, he attempted to search for some other items of value, and soon found a large chest that the lich used to store his items in.
    Use dialogue here or depict the Drow's eyes narrowing or something. Try to avoid telling us someone's emotions; instead, let us infer it through their actions or inactions.
    As a token of kindness, Willtom allowed me to keep the staff and robes from the chest. I also claimed a few coins so I could find an inn to accept me when I parted ways with the adventurers.

    Before I left, I did allow Sally to look at my arm, which had been cut slightly. I thought it would ease her curiosity so she wouldn't harm another Warforged to find out our body's inner workings.

    After leaving them at the entrance of the factory, I headed to the town that they informed me was near by. Soon finding an inn, I payed for a weeks stay. I needed a while to rest my joints after that much of a fight. The inn keeper seemed to enjoy the sense of security I brought, so I offered to work as a helper as long as she let me stay. She quickly agreed, since I wouldn't take up much space and didn't require drink or food.

    I bought this blank book with the money I had left over from the factory escapade, and I hope it will allow me to vent my thoughts and aid in my research of the arcane.

    Day 2:

    Having a night to heal the cut on my arm has given my body time to adjust to movement. I still wobble a bit as I walk since I hadn't been doing much of anything until I awoke from my capsule. It brings me joy to know that I have a home here in the inn, away from the danger of the factory.

    Sarlina, the owner of the inn, was quick to make use of my assistance. When I wasn't helping her with cooking, I was killing rats that took shelter in the walls. (I didn't really kill them, but I was sure not to let her see me petting them and setting the cute little furry things free outside.)

    I took a small amount of pride in keeping the place clean for her. She seemed overjoyed when I cleaned the dust from the floors and shelves. It wasn't hard, I just had to sweep as fast as my arms would allow and the dust went into the air. I simply had to form a magical bubble using Prestidigitation to contain the partials.
    Partials? Are we doing calculus here?
    I soon learned that Sarlina was fairly young for a human. She inherited the inn from her deceased mother, and had kept it running ever since. Feeling petty for the girl, I fixed her the best meat I could from a freshly caught stag one of the hunters gave me in exchange for my assistance in the wood mill.
    Um... I'm not sure what you think petty means. Typo? Not sure what you meant to write.
    She thanked me for the service in a rather strange way. She took me by the hand and embraced me with her arms. She was in tears while she did this, so I can only think that she didn't enjoy my cooking. However, the embrace lasted a while, so I believe my understanding of human behavior requires further study.
    This is amusing. Good work!
    I quickly found an issue with my room. It has a window that faces directly into a home to the east of the street. In that house lives a couple that enjoy themselves a bit too much at night. I understand humans enjoy the act of voyeurism, but it seems to distract me from my work. Even while writing this, I can't turn my head without seeing the woman's head bob up and down.

    I'll explain my problem with the window to Sarlina. Maybe she has a cloth I can use to block the window at night. Hopefully she won't view my study of the human reproductive system as strange.

    Day 3:

    My time in the inn has been enjoyable, but I can only guess that I am unwelcome in the rest of the town. People stare at me too much. [delete] Maybe I should go around and help out with the jobs of the townspeople. Maybe then they will welcome me more.
    Good use of repetition.
    Sarlina is the only one that has shown any real interest in me. While I understand I am more intelligent than most people here, I sometimes find her interested in even my most complicated studies. I find a lot of enjoyment in teaching her. I suppose, if I was to take on a student of some sort, Sarlina would appreciate my teachings the most. Her mind is still young enough to grasp at unfamiliar ideas, so she would be least likely to become afraid of magic as some of the town has.

    I found Sarlina staring at me today, and when I asked why, she didn't go silent like I expected. She instead asked exactly what was on her mind. She, much like Sally, didn't understand how I worked. Trusting her more then I did Sally, I disconnected my foot from my leg and showed her exactly how it worked. The studies of my body that I had done the night before seemed more fruitful then I had previously expected. She quickly found something I was unaware of. As a testament to her astounding perception, she saw that there was a slot in my foot with something missing. This can only mean that the factory intended to create attachments for my body. I may venture into the dark maze again to find parts that match me. I could use a way to silence my stomping at night.

    I found a new form of entertainment. I recently gained the ability to conjure a hand using a spell that I have naturally named "Mage Hand." Using this, I get a helping hand with the cleaning, and I can create a partner for simple games. I recently created a game involving simple shapes within a grid of nine squares. You pick a shape at the beginning of the game, and the other person (or hand) picks their shape. Then you fill in the grid with your shape while your opponent does the same. The first player to get three consecutive shapes in a row is the victor. This proved entertaining until Sarlina got onto me for scaring the patrons with the floating hand.

    Before I left this day's section to end, I must put something here to remind myself of a thought I recently had. How did I know so much about the lich? How did I recognize the smell of the undead as soon as I was woken up? If I had not previously been given the knowledge of those things, then I shouldn't have even recognised the language that I speak. Yet, I am able to name objects, cast spells, and I have a very extensive vocabulary that I wouldn't even understand if I was just randomly awoken within that capsule. I must look into my own mind for the answer to this. I have to know what happened to my body before it was put into what was thought to be my final resting place.

    However, for now, I have a greater problem that requires my attention. I have to figure out how to reconnect my foot.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Your writing would be more memorable if you delved into moments. You don't have to keep so chronologically consistent, describing each hour with a paragraph. Rather, you can spend several pages describing 30 seconds, and then jump forward to the next interesting event. Readers are generally more intelligent than you might expect-- don't be afraid to let them infer facts. I would like to see you explore dialogue. Short is good-- you don't need paragraphs of people talking, but a bit of interaction would be nice. Non-verbal interaction is perhaps even more important.
    Thelanis: Takhysys, Tenauch, Vitriolus, Kalav, Leprous

  4. #4
    Community Member Lil_Mischif's Avatar
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    Thumbs up A word of encouragement

    While I do agree with much of the previous suggestions, I believe I enjoyed your writing more than that poster.

    My biggest "problem" with your work has to be the formal tone of most of it. Allow yourself to relax a bit. Definitely expand where there is room, and where it will enhance the story.

    And please don't let yourself get discouraged. You are off to a good start. And I think it's perfectly Ok to develop your own style.

  5. #5
    2015 DDO Players Council Hazelnut's Avatar
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    Nice starting story. I would have enjoyed more of the initial impression waking up as a warforged.

    Since you asked for suggestions:
    • Write your story in Word (or something with spelling and gramar checks).
    • Fix EVERYTHING it says is wrong until it's happy (gramar checks aren't perfect and spelling won't understand some of the DDO names but get as close as you can).
    • Wait at least one day between finishing a story (post/section) in Word.
    • Read your entire story over to make sure you use the right words and that the story flows. Fix what needs fixing.
    • Now you are ready to post it.
    • Re-read the forum post once posted (or in preview) and make any other needed changes.


    Since we don't have proper editors, we need to take extra steps to be our own editor.

    One final piece of advice... When it comes to suggestions on writing style, plot, or other purely creative choices, decide for yourself if you want to follow the advice.
    Last edited by Hazelnut; 09-12-2013 at 11:43 AM.
    Zyinniah Hazelnut and Curissa Hazelnut on most servers.

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