I found this amusing link in someones sig: http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html
And i laughed and laughed so i decied to start one here on the ddo forums, many of us are pen andpaper players so heres a list of things im no longer allowed to do in pen and paper games.
Feel free to add your own, and feel free to include things your not allowed to do in ddo(in groups/guild).
1. I am not allowed to play druids - at all, ever, even if they can only wild shape into limited forms. I am definatly not allowed to 'think small' even if I should find a way to shapeshift. Microscopic is way off.
2. I am not allowed to play with the bag of holding, especialy if there is another bag of holding nearby. Or a portable hole, or any form of interdimensional portal.
3. I am not allowed access to the folowing sub schools of magic under any circumstances - polymorph, teleportation, especialy at the same time, and that goes double if i have a bag of holding.
4. I am not allowed metamagic rods.
5. I am not allowed to take quickdraw on a caster, it is naughty.
6. I am not allowed to create spell combinations for humerous/derogatory effects.
7. I am not allowed to name any spell combinations after my self, or the first victim of that spell.
8. I am not allowed to cast 'Zooks instant unsaveable peasant blender' or 'morgrims genocidal gass chamber' any more.
9. I am not allowed to ride my warhorse into the temple of a rival god slaying the congregation and desecrating the alter of the false god with the entrails of the high preist - aparently this is behaviour unbecoming of a paladin and is neither lawful or good.
10. When playing a cleric im not allowed to sell life insurance to party memebers.
11. Im especialy not allowed to sell life insurance on other party memebers, this goes double if any ones alignment is evil.
12. I am not allowed to take the folowing feats in combination: eschew materials, still spell, silent spell and metamagic school specialisation thus meaning I can cast seplls with thoughts alone.
13. point 12 goes double if its school specialisation transmutation.
14. I will not abuse the spell silent image.
15. I will not abuse the spell summon instrument. grand pianos are not allowed.
16. I will not summon large animals as cover/balast.
17. I will not summon small animals as ammunition/lunch.
18. Just because the animal mesenger spell says you can send a tiny animal anywhere to deliver a message I will not take it literaly.
19. I will not attempt to suffocate people with spiders, then abuse silent image, then cast phantasmal killer and argue about spell DC bonuses.
20. I will refrain from magic that alters the climate and or landscape.
21. I will enter the dungeon to kill the bad guy, I will not flood/gas/explode it
22. I am not alowed metamagic explosive, some spells have very large areas of effect and were published before this metamagic was concieved.
23. I will not combine the spell animate dead and the metamagic fell animate. The Dm does not apreciate his high fantasy campain being changed into a zombie infested wastland.
24. I will not burn down cities, especialy cities important to the plot.
25. I will not use metamagic chain in combination with any transmutation effect such as enlarge, especialy on things that wont pass the save, ESPECIALY on swarms.
26. I am not allowed to cast permanency unless I bribe the dm before hand with tea and biscuits.
27. I am not allowed the folowing spells: flesh to stone, stone to flesh and skill:sculptor on the same character. Even if i was evil.
28. I shall not make casters that specialise in transmutaion effects and touch spells just so I can abuse fabricate and polymorph any object to turn enemies into loot.
29. I am not allowed to spend my starting gold on animals of any kind. Especialy if I buy more than1 and there is atleast 1 male and 1 female.
30. I am not allowed the spell flesh to ice and a torch - see above for reasons.
31. When playing a wizard I am no longer allowed to hire aprentices - aparently I mistreat them.
32. When playing a cleric I am no longer allowed to get acolytes - same deal.
33. Hirelings are not trap detectors or ablative armour, neither are summons.
34. Im not allowed to cast grease unless all the party agree.
35. Im not allowed to cast stone to flesh on awkward dungeon walls next to locked doors, especialy if i then hack the flesh up and sell it at market for extra profit.
36. Im not allowed to turn people to stone permanently then amalgamate the bodies using fabricate to create my very own wizards tower replete with the wailing souls of the damned
37. Im not allowed to create a floating ice fortress, it doesnt matter If I know all the spells to do it and make them permanent. making a floating ice fortress that is mounted on a zombie made from inanimate flesh bound to my will is totaly out, especialy if it has inbuilt freezing sphere wands a dimensional lock, is as hard as adamantine, radiates cold for 10 points of damage a round and has a permanent symbol of death and symbol of fear carved into its underside.
38. Im especialy not allowed to do point 37 if the king granted me land, a title and people to rule for saving the kingdom... and if the raw materials were the people.
39.I will not make the paladin fall deliberately for ***** n gigles, unless I am evil.
40. I will not use silent image to convince the dwarf his ale mug is full - no matter how much he drinks. After the first dwarf dies of thirst I will stop.. ok maybe the second or third.
41. I will not make cloaks and boots of elven kind, out of elves.
42. I will not use dimension door and gravity in combination. Especialy if the end product is the industrial revolution.
43. I will not use real physics in combination with magic.
44. I will not create characters that have crafter caster lvls higher than their actual lvl, especialyt if its like lvl 50 crafter caster lvl at lvl 20.
45. I will not build giant armoured golem warsuits. I will not become the head.
46. I will not include 500 year old potions of 'red bull strength' in any adventure I make no matter how silly the campain. Some one ALWAYS feads it to their familiar or animal companion.
47. I will not use experimental vasectomy techniques to get bonus's to intimidate checks.
48. I will not play with acid.
49. no matter how much alchemy skill I have im not allowed to neutralise a black dragon, oozes are ok tho.
50. When swallowed whole Im not allowed to scream "HA ive got you exactly where I want you!" it is considered off putting.
51. I will not teleport the monk into the sky to check his slowfall works.
52. I will not build a dwarven thrower. I will stop taking names literaly.
53. I will not threaten to let the elf wearing crotchless leather leggings have his way with the prisoner.
54. I will not bribe the bugbear to look the other way.
55. I will not whistle 'whole lot a rosie' as bardic inspiration when the paladin called rose is at a formal court ball and engaged in delicate political negotiations wiht the crown prince.
56. I am not allowed the following bardic perform skills: humour, wit, mime, slapstic, exotic dance, oratory, poetry, haiku - unless I promise NOT to do them in character. Especialty at the same time...very especialy if the Dm needs a wee.
57. I will not cater my performances to my audience based on unreasonable predudice. no more 80s viking metal balads for dwarves and 60's folk music for elves. even if they did enjoy it.
58. I will not press the button, especialy if the button is attached to a trap i cant see, especialy if the fighter is stood on the trap, especialy if that fighter is my ddo guild leader, I absolutely wont press the button 9 times then declare loudly "its not doing anything" while trying not to crack up laughing out of character.
59. I will not maximise, empower and twin any spell that causes negative lvls even if i can. A wraith dragon is a worse prospect than a living one.
60. just because the edge of a wall of force is described as infinately thin does not mean I should make use of this fact.
61. slicing people in half is not in good taste, slicing dragons in half is very bad taste, especialy if they are plot relevant.
62. pointing out to the dm that infinately thin would be bad for nearby atoms and the spliting thereof, and that i was going easy on them does not make things better.
63. Training a small animal that isnt a familiar to sit on your shoulder is a clever thing for a wizard to do, not telling the dm isnt.
64. I am not allowed to offer a selection of undead templates when speaking wiht dead partymembers before resurection.
65. I am not allowed to make the decision for them based on party needs, highest CR or what goes best with their current outfit or my whim.
66. I am not allowed to wreck economies.
67. I am not allowed to offer peasants +1 gear for free to start up as adventurers on the proviso that in 5 lvls time they do me a favour.
68. I am not allowed to create franchises or pyramid schemes.
69. Despite the fact there is a plane for everything I am only allowed to travel to planes the dm has invented or ok'd, There is no longer a plane of iritation, a plane of aching testes, or a plane of phantom spiders and mind burowing worms.
70. displacer beast kittens are not an appropriate pet for a 6 year old.
71. In no way shape or form am I allowed any where near any thing that even resembles a time machine.
72. I am not allowed to become the great ancient evil lich whos evil plans I set out to stop as a low lvl adventurer through the magic of time travel. Even if it is a great end to a campain.
73. I will not attempt to see how much suffering the cleric of ilmater can take.
74. I will not specialise in summoning to the extent I can answer the question "you and whos army?" I especialy will not work it out in advance and include modern warfare tactics such as air cav, artilary spotters and combined arms.
75. I will refrain from abusing the skill knowlege engineering, building suports are best left in place.
76. I will not combine wild magic and teleport, it is asking for trouble.
77. Obsidian butterflies may be used as the obsidian spell componenet for animate dead, this is not a suitable reason to try and eleiberatly combine the use of a wand of wonder with any form of mass animation - it is unlikely to work and if used on peasants vastly too effective.
78. I will refrain from casting cloud kill up hill from villages.
79. I will not go to the paladins neices 6th birthday party to perform magic tricks, especialy if my trick is pulling things polymorphed into rabits out of my top hat of holding then canceling the polymorph.... especialy if the 'things' were her parents... especaily as there is not enough air to breath in my top hat of holding and they died... especialy if I get it wrong and one of the rabits I pull out is a dead teifling stripper and the other is her dead father... and 6 months down the line i realise I had turned her mother into a coffee table for my floating ice fortress.
80.I will not suggest to the paladin that balckguards are better in bed and still get disease imunity, I will not wink at her after saying this.
81. I will not urinate on fire elementals.
82. I will not cast stinking cloud and blame the paladins horse.
83. I will not Insert thunderstones into peoples mouths then get the monk to hit them as a form of 'gather info check'
84. The folowing words are banned as 'comands': deficate, vomit, strip, drink, eat, mutilate, sidestep, leap, monologue.
85. I am not allowed to summon a pitfeind simply to ask it If ive done enough to secure better realestate in hell yet.
86. I am not allowed to summon a pitfeind at a 6 yearolds birthday party.
87. I am not allowed to introduce the paladin to the pitfeind with a comment - in order to be a blackguard you need frinedly contact with a devil... *wink wink.
88. I am not allowed to use children as cover, even when playing a gnome.
89. I will not use bluff as a substitute for all other social skills.
90. I will not use intimidate as a substitute for all other social skills.
91. I will not shrink people to tiny sise permanently and eat them.
92. I will not offer tasty snaks to orcs, then dispell them.
93. I will not use unsean servant or mage hand to start fights between the lady paladin and random male nps and party memebers.
94. I will not encourage the bugbear to collect a neclace of elf ears.
95. I will not engage in trading elf ears with the bug bear so he can collect the entire set - one drow, one high elf one wood elf etc.
96. I will not attempt to build a super crossbow capable of fireing trees into neighbouring lands.Especialy as I know it wont work and its just a scam to get the economy going.
97. I will not introduce the principle of compound interest to a fantasy setting, I will not loan money ever in any game to any one other than party memebers.
98. I will not refer to peasants as peons, the monk as knuckles, the rogue as fingers, the fighter as squish, the druid as fluffy mc stabbins and the paladin as my little porny.
99. I will not refer to my self as any of the folowing: the magnificent, the amazing, the outstanding, the incredible, the slightly naughty.
100. I will not put explosive runes, suggestions, sepia snake sigils, or symbols in or on any of the following: official letters to the kings court, tavern notice boards, party memebrs back packs, colar tags of animal companions/paladin mounts/familiars, any summoned creature, any disposeable undead, birthday cards.
Hope you enjoyed that list. Lets hear yours.