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  1. #1

    Default The Best D&D Jokes Thread.. Make me laugh, I dares ya!

    It's hard to find good D&D jokes...of all the genres of jokedom, "blonde" jokes "your mama" jokes, I think D&D jokes have suffered a comedic plight unheard of in comedy history. Certainly, with the fairly recent invention of the Internet (thanks Al Gore!), MMO gaming, & Nerd Rage, we can surely overcome all obstacles and alleviate this injustice.

    Within the constraints of the EULA please, tell us the best D&D jokes you've ever heard.



    "Off topic, out of your mind, and funky like a four-armed monkey, Llllllllllet's get ready to Rumbleeeee!!" - Michael Buffordie

    I'll go first....
    Last edited by LeslieWest_GuitarGod; 09-18-2010 at 01:45 PM.

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  2. #2

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    A monk walks over to a hot dog vendor and says "I'll have one with everything" and hands the vendor a $20. The monk gets his hot dog and after a minute or so says "So where's my change?" to which the vendor replies, "Change comes from within".

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  3. #3

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    Q: How many Warchanters does it take to change a light bulb?


    A: 12 - One to change the bulb and 11 to tell him how they could have done it better.

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  4. #4
    Community Member t0r012's Avatar
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    Default

    Grease
    Move along , Nothing to see here

  5. #5
    Community Member Relenthe's Avatar
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    What I would suggest if u like good D&D jokes is the online comic Order of the Stick

    http://www.giantitp.com/Comics.html

    Ive been reading this for a couple years now and it hasn't let me down.

  6. #6

    Default

    Seven dwarfs: Brannigan, Mayce, Moraadin, Chasek, Smitey, Bruttus and Verengor go to see the Vatican of the Silver Flame and because they are the famous Stormreach Seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Arch Priest.

    Brannigan steps forward and bends down on one knee...

    "Brannigan, my son," says the Arch Bishop, "What can I do for you?"

    Brannigan asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns in the Church ?"

    The Arch Bishop wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in the Church of the Silver Flame ."

    In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

    Brannigan turns around and glares, silencing them.

    Brannigan turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all Of Stromreach ?"

    The Arch Bishop, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in Stormreach .

    This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

    Once again, Brannigan turns around and silences them with an angry Glare.

    Brannigan turns back and says, "Mr. Arch Bishop Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the whole of Xendrick?"

    The Arch, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin Chanting......

    "Brannigan snogged a penguin!"
    "Brannigan snogged a penguin!"

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  7. #7

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    Kittz (an Elf) walks into the Golden Wing Inn and clears her voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. She says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Dirty Kobalds back-to-back."

    The room is quiet, and no one takes up her offer. Obsiddean (a dwarf) even leaves.

    Thirty minutes later Obsiddean shows back up and taps Kittz on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

    Kittz says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of Dirty Kobalds. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. Kittz gives Obsiddean the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    Obsiddean replies, "Oh... I had to go to the Bogwater down the street to see if I could do it first."
    Last edited by LeslieWest_GuitarGod; 09-18-2010 at 12:15 PM.

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  8. #8
    Community Member MrWizard's Avatar
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    there is no lag in ddo?..


    (devs, don't hate me, just a little in party joke whenever it lags...a little rib across all servers)
    Cannon fodder build The Stalwart Defender, Raid Tank
    Worst Shroud PUG EVER!!!!!! Epic Fail (started 1/13/10, necro'd 3/9/10, 4/20/10, raised dead 3/ 9/11, necro'd 4/9/11, 5/28/11, fame petition necro 8/5/11, necro'd 9/30/11, KIA 10/3/11, True reincarnated famed (by cleric Cordovan) 10/4/11,

  9. #9
    Founder Garumn's Avatar
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    Default My favorite...

    Two dwarves walk OUT of a bar...

    Founder #9518
    The problem with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it...

  10. #10
    Community Member jcTharin's Avatar
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    Default if this aint a joke i dont know what is

    PvP
    Quote Originally Posted by DoctorWhofan View Post
    DDDDDddddddDDDOOOOOOOooooOOOODOOOOOOMMMMMMmmmmmMMM MM!!!111!!!!!1!

  11. #11
    Community Member jcTharin's Avatar
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    its not realy a joke but it is funny

    you must always remember the motto of the dwarf and the halfling. the tallest one around is the last one standing. unless the bloke is fatter then you are tall.
    Quote Originally Posted by DoctorWhofan View Post
    DDDDDddddddDDDOOOOOOOooooOOOODOOOOOOMMMMMMmmmmmMMM MM!!!111!!!!!1!

  12. #12
    The Hatchery amnota's Avatar
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    A hireling and a dev walk into a tavern, the tavernkeeper says

    "Hey..whats that guy doing in here????"


    The hireling says.."It's OK..he's with me."
    Some people are like Slinkies
    They don't really have a purpose
    But they still bring a smile to your face
    When you push them down the stairs

  13. #13
    Community Member jcTharin's Avatar
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    1) An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.

    The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
    The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.

    The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya wee b@stard! Spit it out!"
    ------------------

    "Hey, nice 20's, are they natural?"
    ------------------

    Did you hear what happened when Richard had to Save vs. Poison?
    Rickrolled.
    ------------------

    When life turns it's back on you, sneak attack it for extra damage.
    ------------------

    A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'" The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!
    ------------------

    DM. The door is shut and locked.

    Fighter. I kick the door down...


    ...DM. The door is unlocked.

    Fighter. I kick the door down...


    ...DM. The door is ajar.

    Fighter. I walk over to the door, shut it and kick it down.
    Quote Originally Posted by DoctorWhofan View Post
    DDDDDddddddDDDOOOOOOOooooOOOODOOOOOOMMMMMMmmmmmMMM MM!!!111!!!!!1!

  14. #14
    Community Member PopeJual's Avatar
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    Default

    Two Warforged walk into a bar, but the Halfling is short enough that he can just duck under it.

  15. #15
    Community Member jcTharin's Avatar
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    Jesus saves.

    Everyone else takes full damage.
    ----------------

    How many orcs can ye fit in a barrel?
    with the right spell...all of 'em.
    ----------------

    A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet's harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading.

    The human is dragged by the efreet's servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."

    Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."

    Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says,

    "Ach. I see the problem!"
    ------------------------

    DM "You come to a fork in the road."
    PC "I pick it up."
    ------------------------

    Clash between two small Orien caravans. 150 dwarves hurt.
    ------------------------

    4th edition
    Quote Originally Posted by DoctorWhofan View Post
    DDDDDddddddDDDOOOOOOOooooOOOODOOOOOOMMMMMMmmmmmMMM MM!!!111!!!!!1!

  16. #16

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    How many Devs does it take to light a street oil lamp?


    300, 1 Dev to command, and 299 corporate wigs to argue about logistics.

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  17. #17

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    Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.

    One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.

    He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.

    After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitment and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That **** thing just jumped in that well!!

    The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"

    One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldnt have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
    Last edited by LeslieWest_GuitarGod; 09-18-2010 at 01:33 PM.

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  18. #18
    The Hatchery bigolbear's Avatar
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    Two dwarves, wrothgar and brainbosh sitting in the lobster discussing the multicultural nature of storm reach:

    brainbosh turns to wrothgar and says: so me old mucka what do you think of elves?
    wrothgar: there ok wiv a bow n magic but there a bit squishy.
    brainbosh: na i meant do ye fancy em?
    wrothgar: dont be daft! na no love handles to grab hold of.
    brainbosh: thing is, I cant even tell the difference between the lady ones and the male ones - how do you tell the difference?
    wrothgar: oh thats easy - the skinny one wearing the dress the MALE!


    Traditional Dwarven warcry: HOW MUCH!

    Whats the difference between a zombie and a barbarian? Run speed.

    A rogue is strugling with a tuff lock, let me help you says his monk freind - Ive got the Ki.

    And finaly.
    How many halflings does it take to screwin a light bulb? Two, but you need to grease them up before they can get inside it. ;-)

  19. #19
    Community Member Maxelcat's Avatar
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    ...at the top of the hill you see a gazebo...

    and of coarse...

    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.ASP
    Quote Originally Posted by Tolero View Post
    Hireling: "Oh god, you're in trouble!" *heal fail* "Oh god, you're still in trouble!!" *heal fail* "Nooooo I will save you!!!" *heal fail* etc. but to the player, it just looked like the hireling was standing there staring off into space. He's not staring...he's thinking...REALLY hard.

  20. #20
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    cant believe this hasnt been posted yet o,0

    Love D&D and LOVE Steven Lynch ..

    and besides .. after Steven Lynch all other D&D jokes fall a little *short* , d'oh

    link here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyxnEKTjhj0

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